DC Etiquette #5: Be a political conossieur.

As it IS our nation's capital, one would expect that there would be quite a bit of ongoing discussion of both national and international politics. Hey, fair enough, I get it. You work for the foreign service, or are a desk bitch for some international organization in DC and it's your job to talk about international politics. However, in DC, the international political discussion arena extends a bit farther than solely within the workplace. Here in DC, it is not only a job requirement to be able to discuss politics, but it's also a constant life requirement. And by it's a "constant life requirement", I mean it's pretty essential to look down on other people who aren't wholly immersed on a daily basis in "FP" (which you may call it if you're cool enough. To the rest of us, it's that magazine called "Foreign Policy" that we leave on the magazine rack at the dentist's office, as it's not our personal choice of masturbatory fodder).

This may be the most widespread douchebag phenomenon that exists in DC, in my extremely humble opinion.

While it's great to be up to date on current affairs as a citizen of the world, here it's on an entirely different level. If you are a DC citizen, you should in any situation strike up a conversation with anyone about politics. At a friend's baby shower? Good time to start a discussion about global overpopulation. Walking to the metro in the morning and passing a garbage truck with the trashmen frolicking about? Do they seem vaguely latino? You should probably strike up a conversation with them regarding their opinions on immigration laws, or the state of corruption among the police force in Mexico. I mean, who better to talk to about these issues than a native, right?? Extra point here, since that means you can probably show off your dazzling Spanish speaking skills. Just think how important passersby will think you are!!!!!

In any restaurant, bar, club, coffee shop, taxi, metro car, bus (etc, etc) you can overhear a shitload of inane, jacking-off-to-the-sound-of-their-own-voice, political discussing d-bags, eager to speak as loudly as humanly possible so everyone around them knows just how tuned into the political scene they are. And the more obscure the political fact, the better.

"I was stargazing on my balcony in Georgetown last night when I glimpsed a shooting star. It really reminded me of the flag of the Republic of the Marshall Islands. I know what that flag looks like off the top of my head because I'm sooo international."
(If you too would hear this and think "WHAT THE FUCK" see the flag here)
"Want to play a game to pass this metro ride? Let's see who can name all 27 members of the EU first!!!!!!!!"

Not only should you know any and every arcane fact about "the global arena," as it were, but it is IMPERATIVE to your DC citizenship that you attempt to make anyone who DOESN'T know that the president of Malta is George Abela seem like he/she was the very person who incited Hitler's hatred of the Jews.

The simple way of doing this:
Want to show your friends what a smart, pretentious, self-important twat you are? Finish any informative sentence with, "...but you already knew that, right?"
Examples:
"The whole Arab-Israeli conflict can be TOTALLY blamed on Henry McMahon's letters from October of 1915, but you already knew that, right?"
"Sarkozy's call for a 'two speed' Europe is really causing a stir. But you read The Economist of course, so you knew that, right?"
"The only girlfriend I've ever had is called Rosy Palm, but you knew that, right?"

Here's a minor point to ponder, self-important, 20 something "political experts" of DC: if anyone truly gave a damn about your political opinions, you'd be employed by CNN. No need to poison anyone's meal in a restaurant or wait time in the Panera line on a lunch break with your purposefully-loud-so-everyone-has-no-choice-but-to-listen-to-you political monologues. Juuuust something to think about.

PS - Every political fact and Economist reference ... I had to wikipedia (the world's most reliable data source, of course).