DC Etiquette #7: Do NOT cover your mouth.

As may have been noted in prior posts, I commute to work via the metro. As may have also been noted in prior posts, I am a distinctly disgruntled metro commuter.

However, comma (that was for emphasis), this is not without a good cause.

Why? You might be asking? I like question marks? I hope you're reading all of this in an annoying up tone? 'Cause we all know someone who speaks in an up tone? Who you want to shake like a baby every time he/she opens his/her mouth? Yes? Ok I'll move on?

No really, I will.

People of Haiti, Rwanda, Darfur: Sit down. I have a true tragedy to impart upon you.

Sort of.

Last week, I was "enjoying" my normal ride to work, when I suddenly heard the familiar sound of a sneeze. Being in DC, not a single person said, "Bless you", to my fellow metro rider, though given the circumstances I'm about to describe, this was actually quite fitting. This distinct "ACHOO" came from directly behind me. As a matter of fact, this sneeze was emitted directly into my just-out-of-the-shower-clean coif.

Too on the verge of vomitting to turn around and look at said repulsive human being with a look of utter disgust, I instead buried my face in my jacket as a distinct smell of airborne, sneezed-out mucus filled the air. You know the smell I'm talking about. When you sneeze into your hands and it smells oddly sweet(ish), but it's the distinct smell of diseased snot? Up tones (revisited)? Regardless, that repulsive smell permeated my breathing radius. I was too filled with nausea and repulsion to properly react by turning around and punching the diseased bastard seated behind me right in the fucking mouth.

I tell you this story, because this horrid son of a nutcracker infected me with a flu that left me alone on my couch on Thanksgiving, the greatest and most glutinous holiday of EVER, shivering with a fever and no appetite. TRAGEDY. And just for the record, I currently am continuing to snot all over the place. And sneeze constantly. WITH MY HAND OVER MY MOUTH SO I DON'T INFECT OTHERS.

And today, back in DC after Thanksgiving, I saw another dumb cunt sneezing ONTO HER CELL PHONE AS SHE TEXTED, emitting shit loads of germs into the air as she DID NOT COVER HER MOUTH.

The metro riding population looks a lot like this:



I'm at a loss for words. THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN AND COVER YOUR DIRTY, WHORISH, CUM-INFESTED MOUTH (here I'm addressing both genders, just a little fyi).

Thanks for listening.

DC Etiquette #6: Wear your ID badge at all times.

The typical schedule of an employee of the Maryland-DC-Virginia area:

1. Wake up
2. Remove ID badge from pillowcase.
3. Clip ID badge to shower curtain.
4. Shower.
5. Clip ID badge to towel to walk back to bedroom.
6. Clip ID badge onto underwear while I decide what to wear to work
7. Clip ID badge onto pants pocket or belt loop.
8. Proceed to metro.
9. Be sure that ID badge is on the outside of my jacket during walk to metro or to car.
10. Reposition ID badge so ID badge is visible over a jacket, if necessary.
11. If driving, consider putting ID badge in a visible place. Perhaps the dashboard, or maybe clip it onto my driver's window and let it flap in the wind as I drive. Just want everyone to imagine how high ranking I must be with my ID badge.
12. Fish for compliments while drawing attention to ID badge by talking about how chronically awful I look in ID badge pictures to coworkers.
13. MY ID BADGE MY ID BADGE MY ID BADGE.
14. Wear ID badge to Chipotle/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/Cosi/Subway/Panera on my lunchbreak. These are the places only important ID badge wearing folk go to loudly discuss pressing afternoon meetings to be attended and briefs to be written.
15. Spend my afternoon gazing at my name and picture on my ID badge instead of doing any real concrete work.
16. Return to car/metro. Continue to place ID badge in visible spot. Possibly get in a fender bender to block afternoon traffic when I get distracted by the sun glare coming off of my beautiful shiny ID badge.
17. Return home. Change for dinner with friends to discuss our vast knowledge of politics in a public area. Place ID badge on jeans.
18. Go to dinner.
19. Come home, brush teeth, put on pajamas, clip ID badge onto pajamas.
20. Clip ID badge onto pillowcase. Get excited to flaunt my awesomeness via my ID badge again tomorrow.

I mean, if even popular works of art are being caught wearing them at all times...


...people of DC, we clearly must therefore be onto something. Bravo.

DC Etiquette #5: Be a political conossieur.

As it IS our nation's capital, one would expect that there would be quite a bit of ongoing discussion of both national and international politics. Hey, fair enough, I get it. You work for the foreign service, or are a desk bitch for some international organization in DC and it's your job to talk about international politics. However, in DC, the international political discussion arena extends a bit farther than solely within the workplace. Here in DC, it is not only a job requirement to be able to discuss politics, but it's also a constant life requirement. And by it's a "constant life requirement", I mean it's pretty essential to look down on other people who aren't wholly immersed on a daily basis in "FP" (which you may call it if you're cool enough. To the rest of us, it's that magazine called "Foreign Policy" that we leave on the magazine rack at the dentist's office, as it's not our personal choice of masturbatory fodder).

This may be the most widespread douchebag phenomenon that exists in DC, in my extremely humble opinion.

While it's great to be up to date on current affairs as a citizen of the world, here it's on an entirely different level. If you are a DC citizen, you should in any situation strike up a conversation with anyone about politics. At a friend's baby shower? Good time to start a discussion about global overpopulation. Walking to the metro in the morning and passing a garbage truck with the trashmen frolicking about? Do they seem vaguely latino? You should probably strike up a conversation with them regarding their opinions on immigration laws, or the state of corruption among the police force in Mexico. I mean, who better to talk to about these issues than a native, right?? Extra point here, since that means you can probably show off your dazzling Spanish speaking skills. Just think how important passersby will think you are!!!!!

In any restaurant, bar, club, coffee shop, taxi, metro car, bus (etc, etc) you can overhear a shitload of inane, jacking-off-to-the-sound-of-their-own-voice, political discussing d-bags, eager to speak as loudly as humanly possible so everyone around them knows just how tuned into the political scene they are. And the more obscure the political fact, the better.

"I was stargazing on my balcony in Georgetown last night when I glimpsed a shooting star. It really reminded me of the flag of the Republic of the Marshall Islands. I know what that flag looks like off the top of my head because I'm sooo international."
(If you too would hear this and think "WHAT THE FUCK" see the flag here)
"Want to play a game to pass this metro ride? Let's see who can name all 27 members of the EU first!!!!!!!!"

Not only should you know any and every arcane fact about "the global arena," as it were, but it is IMPERATIVE to your DC citizenship that you attempt to make anyone who DOESN'T know that the president of Malta is George Abela seem like he/she was the very person who incited Hitler's hatred of the Jews.

The simple way of doing this:
Want to show your friends what a smart, pretentious, self-important twat you are? Finish any informative sentence with, "...but you already knew that, right?"
Examples:
"The whole Arab-Israeli conflict can be TOTALLY blamed on Henry McMahon's letters from October of 1915, but you already knew that, right?"
"Sarkozy's call for a 'two speed' Europe is really causing a stir. But you read The Economist of course, so you knew that, right?"
"The only girlfriend I've ever had is called Rosy Palm, but you knew that, right?"

Here's a minor point to ponder, self-important, 20 something "political experts" of DC: if anyone truly gave a damn about your political opinions, you'd be employed by CNN. No need to poison anyone's meal in a restaurant or wait time in the Panera line on a lunch break with your purposefully-loud-so-everyone-has-no-choice-but-to-listen-to-you political monologues. Juuuust something to think about.

PS - Every political fact and Economist reference ... I had to wikipedia (the world's most reliable data source, of course).

DC Etiquette #4: Drive like a blind Asian woman.

I believe Seth McFarlane had just visited DC when he crafted this little gem:



Having lived in DC on and off for nearly 6 years now and hearing all the horror stories of DC traffic, I've only recently become part of the clusterfuckery that is the DC driving population. Oddly enough, this has instantly coincided with an increased desire to kill myself, or somebody else. Emphasis on the "somebody else".

DC residents have a real unique knack for driving like complete and utter fucking morons. I mean, really, they even outdo the entire population of New Jersey as far as shitty drivers go. What I find most remarkable about the DC-Maryland-Virginia area is this: when you escape the death trap of the metro area for a weekend, go far north or far south, you can tell, without even looking at guide signs, when you're getting close to the metro area again. Here's how:

- First and foremost, what makes DC drivers so akin to Asian women: the complete lack of the use of a turn signal. You can be happily driving along on cruise control, only to slam on your brakes entering the Baltimore/Washington Parkway when some asinine motherfucker decides the only way to change lanes is by attempting to take off your front bumper as they fly into your lane without any type of forewarning.

- Next, you'll notice a bunch of fucking idiots driving up the right shoulder of the freeway. Is there a sign that says not to do so? Fuck that, DC metro drivers do what they want. I'm fairly certain the actual goal of all DC metro drivers is to get into an accident. Perhaps the train of thought here is they can eventually convert the entire world into driving electric Green Peace friendly bumper cars everywhere so accidents yield less fatalities and there's the added bonus of a smaller carbon footprint. Fuck if I know. I come from a land where everyone I know grew up wondering how the hell their mom or dad seemed to know everyone else on the road, due to a constant on-road wave to every other car. Around the time we all hit 16 (little slow on the uptake, honestly...) and started driving, we realized this was due to the "thank you wave."

-Which brings me to my next point. WHY IS THE THANK YOU WAVE FUCKING OBSOLETE AMIDST THIS MAYHEM??
-Quick obvious answer: 'cause DC is full of douchebags.


-Another sign you're back in DC? Try making a left hand turn at a traffic light. Does the asshat behind you start driving up on your left, like he/she is somehow going to manage to turn left before you are? Congrats, you've successfully navigated yourself into the Bermuda Triangle of Driving Clusterfuckery that is Maryland-DC-Virginia.

-Lastly, DC drivers enjoy completely ignoring signs and traffic light signals:
-Red lights? Nah, I think I'll just go ahead, thanks.
-No parking at any time? I'm sure it's fine if I wash my car on this narrow one way street in a no parking zone for 3 hours on a Monday morning between the hours of 6 and 9:30 AM, I'll just put my hazards on and stare indignantly if anyone trying to pass through glares at me.
- Stop signs?? Well those are only a suggestion, right?

All I'm saying is maybe we should try to be a little bit less of an area of supertwats so maybe we can drop down off of this list.

Weather permitting, that is. Seeing as when there's a downpour, a drizzle, a light dusting or even a forecast of snow, DC goes into a blind panic. Also, since even an intense sun glare seems to make us all frazzled, let's hope for just sliiiiightly cloudy conditions. Forever.

DC Etiquette #3: If you speak a foreign language (fluently or fallibly) it's important to let everyone know.

DC is a melting pot of a slew of internationals, and also a slew of some unimaginable douchebags. This is a fact.

In a part of the US where there are a ton of embassies and international organizations, you often overhear a myriad of foreign languages spoken all over the city and its surrounding areas. What I'm getting at is that in DC especially, speaking a foreign language is extremely beneficial in the job market.

However, only in DC is it beneficial to speak a foreign language in a group of all English speaking pals. As a matter of fact, it would seem that in DC, it is important to let as many people as humanly possible know that you speak a foreign language.

Here are a few tips on how to let everyone and their mother know you can speak a foreign language (note: These are all from my honest to god personal experiences meeting new people in DC)

1. Seize every opportunity to let someone know when you were studying your foreign language. Examples:

1a. Talk about WHERE you studied your language. For instance, "So this morning on the metro I was studying my Chinese, and there was a Chinese guy sitting next to me, and he like, looked at me, and laughed. Then I laughed. You wouldn't get it, it's a Chinese cultural thing." (also note: this is an exceptionally important line to drop, especially when you're a non-Asian speaking to another non-Asian.)

1b. Location, location, location. "There was a really long line at Subway on my lunch break. But I'd brought my CHINESE with me so I studied it in line."

2. Let some words "slip" in casual conversation. When someone hands you something, instead of saying "Thank you" try saying "Xie xie," to grab the attention of the person helping you. Remember, it's of the utmost importance that everyone else know you're better than they are because YOU study/speak a foreign language.

3. Claim you speak a language, even if you only know a few words. Listening to a speech from French President Sarkozy? Seen the Little Mermaid when you were little and retained a few words from the greatest part of the movie sung by the French chef? You know what I'm talking about, the "Les Poissons" song? Go on, nod along with his speech, you fluent putain.

4. Speak loudly in quiet places on your phone in your foreign language. Starbucks, the metro, a library, a restaurant. Disturbing other people in said quiet place? Doesn't matter, so long as EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS YOU SPEAK A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

5. I like numbered lists.

DC Etiquette #2: Demonstrate your athletic prowess by flying DOWN the metro escalator steps.

There is one simple word that goes through every metro commuter's head when trying to exit the metro station, only to see that the escalator is completely stopped: FUCK.



This thought comes with the knowledge that if you want to get to work, your only option is to huff and puff your way to the top. God help you if you're stuck at Rosslyn or Dupont. They should have metro staff standing at the halfway points with cups of gatorade if you're forced to haul up those mountains.

On other days, when the metro escalators are fully functional, you do of course have the option of scaling the steps with the assistance of the escalator's motion, or to simply enjoy the slow crawl to the top. Me? I'm a rider, not a walker. I immediately adhere myself to the right side of the escalator and watch others get more and more out of breath as they continue up the incline. My crowd favorites have grown to be those who begin the climb to the top on the walker's side, get halfway, and duck back into the rider's side of the escalator. I applaud your effort, metro passenger, but join me on the lazy side of the escalator. Nice try.


My anti-crowd favorites? The douchebags who think they're training for a fucking escalator step decline marathon. If you've ever ridden the metro, you've been whacked in the shoulder by one of these douchebags' messenger bags. Satchels. I don't care what you call it, or if Jack Bauer on 24 used to carry one, they're still gay. In the morning, you will no doubt find these decline running douchebags on the rider side of the inclining metro escalator. In the afternoon, they're back with a vengeance, looking to show off their athletic eliteness by flying down the metro steps, and with luck, slamming their homo bags into the shoulder of everyone choosing to ride down the steps instead of walk/run down them.

To this I say, PUMP THE FUCKING BREAKS. Where the hell are you running to, when trains come every 5 minutes in the evening commute hours? I'm not campaigning for everyone to ride down the escalator steps, or for everyone to walk at a snail's pace down them either. A normal pace, as in not break neck-football-player-doing-tire-drills-knock-old-people-down-the-steps-with-your-man-purse speed, will more than suffice.

DC Etiquette #1: It's a great idea to charge onto an elevator before letting its passengers off first.

I work on the top floor of my building. This scintillating introductory sentence to my personal experiences with DC Etiquette, as I'd like to call it, is relevant to my personal trying tale from an idle, rainy, Tuesday trip down to the ground floor, as I had a first hand experience with the assholery that is DC elevator riding etiquette.

Allow me to begin.

After waiting a solid 5 minutes for the elevator to finish its stops on every floor of the building on the way up to my floor (which, allow me to remind you, is quite a long time in elevator waiting land, as our elevators are a far cry from "zippy"), the familiar arrival ding sounded and the doors hobbled open at a speed every old man in Florida could out-walk, I noted a middle aged man standing smack dab in the middle of the elevator, seeming poised to exit. I waited a brief moment to allow him to exit, during which period he only stared at me with the look of the subject of one of Chris Hanen's To Catch a Predator episodes just prior to the arrival of the camera crew, through wire rimmed glasses poised on a face boasting a thick, perverted old man mustache.

"...Going down?" I thought it pertinent to ask, wasn't sure if I should run back to grab my rape whistle before stepping into the elevator with him, or if I should wait for him to finish his perving, then let him out of the elevator before charging onward.

"You're on the top floor." the observant, mustached sexual predator informed me.

I nodded, purposefully not engaging the mustached sexual predator in conversation so as to avoid any attempts at conversation on the slow, painful coast down to the ground floor. However, my anti-social, stare at the floor, stand in the back corner of the elevator, conversation evasion tactics failed me, as the mustached sexual predator turned his body totally toward me and tried to casually position himself against the spot of wall directly next to me. Arms folded, he leaned in so as to more significantly violate my personal space, and with quite the sneer spreading across his face, he said, disparagingly, "You're on the top floor."

I seized the opportunity to try to bring conversation to a total halt with a clever reply:

"Yes."

"Where else were you going to go but down?"

Damnit, that didn't work. Alright, mustached offender, game on.

And so I informed him that I was taught to wait a moment before entering an elevator so as to afford others the opportunity to exit before stomping on. We quickly cleared up that I was not unsure of the number of floors in my workplace, but rather that I was merely attempting to be polite. He immediately straightened up and moved to the opposite corner of the elevator car. And when the doors opened to relieve us of our awkward journey, the woman waiting for the elevator on the ground floor came charging on before we had a chance to exit.




DC AREA ELEVATOR RIDERS: surely, you are familiar with the way boarding the metro goes in the morning. You wait for other riders to exit before boarding the train. Not only is this a bit of a common courtesy, but IT MAKES SENSE. Apply this rule to riding elevators, everywhere. Pausing .2 seconds for people riding the elevator to get off the elevator before you come barreling into the elevator with the urgency of a Jewish woman trying to get to the front of the line of Black Friday sales, will not significantly delay your journey to your end destination.