So, in every work place, there's one person who everyone cannot fucking stand (note: if you think everyone you work with is this hate-worthy person, you're probably the person everyone fucking hates. Congrats, you're a dickhead. ((Yes I know this is Dane Cook logic and I ripped it from him)).) This person is vital to the work group dynamic. Everyone can bond over how much they dislike this person. They're an asset to coworker bonding.
In my workplace, this twatastic coworker of mine, in her mid 50s, happens to have a raging FUPA.
If you don't know what a FUPA is, find the definition here, and a picture here.
Moving on, Twatastic is actually a woman of quite a small build. She has thin arms and legs, she's about 5'5", and happens to have an aforementioned raging FUPA. Now, whereas the smart smaller woman with a FUPA (like Twatastic) would attempt to disguise the FUPA with flowy, loose fitting tops, and perhaps even a loose fitting pant (so as not to accentuate the FUPA, but sort of gloss over it), Twatastic does the total opposite. Seeming to want to put forth her best feature, Twatastic wears top notch high-waisted pants and what can only be described as belly tops so as to show off her FUPA. Given that Twatastic is in her mid-50s, it's important to note that most of her floral belly tops are from the 80s. Which seems to be the last time she bought clothes that fit her. Even her FUPA proud pants are ready for Katrina's daughter to hurricane through DC. These high-waisted beauties come to rest just atop the FUPA, with the belly top just barely brushing the button of said pants. The FUPA, in these high-waisters, is highlighted more than the Hope Diamond on its rotating, lit up, display box in the Museum of Natural History.
Twatastic, when she's not doing everything in her power to try to get me or one of my other coworkers in trouble with our boss, or trying to get one of us to do her work for her ('cause she's Twatastic), takes to stretching. With her arms over her head. Wherein her belly top rides up, exposing her fleshy, white, bulbous FUPA for all to see.
Does she seem to feel shame, you ask?
No. Twatastic, upon finishing her arms-over-head stretch, will merely smirk, make eye contact with you, and rub her FUPA for good luck (that our boss catches one of us doing something wrong, so her smirk can widen as she sees one of us castigated). Moreover, while most people walk with their shoulders back, chest out, stomach tucked in, Twatastic walks FUPA forward. Yup, that's right. She sticks that fucker out as far as it will go. It's her center of gravity. It carries her onward.
I just would like to point out that the only time it's ok to be proud of your FUPA is in instances such as these:
I hate cats, because they're fickle and don't want to be around me constantly (I'm needy.), but this sure does make me giggle. And only in the animal kingdom is this both appropriate and funny. Not, please note, in the fucking workplace.
Lastly, I've had a thought. I'd like to write a coffee table book entitled "FUPAlicious: I Don't Think You're Ready For This Belly!" featuring photos of FUPAs from around the globe. Just think, that thing would fly off the shelves of Urban Outfitters. Additionally, I could do a cover of "Bootylicious" and call it "FUPAlicious"..."I dont think you're ready for this belly, I don't think you're ready for thiiiis 'cause my body's too FUPAlicious for ya babe..."
Just something to think about. If you know someone who knows someone who could make that happen, you have him or her email me. Thanks.
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