DC Etiquette #7: Do NOT cover your mouth.

As may have been noted in prior posts, I commute to work via the metro. As may have also been noted in prior posts, I am a distinctly disgruntled metro commuter.

However, comma (that was for emphasis), this is not without a good cause.

Why? You might be asking? I like question marks? I hope you're reading all of this in an annoying up tone? 'Cause we all know someone who speaks in an up tone? Who you want to shake like a baby every time he/she opens his/her mouth? Yes? Ok I'll move on?

No really, I will.

People of Haiti, Rwanda, Darfur: Sit down. I have a true tragedy to impart upon you.

Sort of.

Last week, I was "enjoying" my normal ride to work, when I suddenly heard the familiar sound of a sneeze. Being in DC, not a single person said, "Bless you", to my fellow metro rider, though given the circumstances I'm about to describe, this was actually quite fitting. This distinct "ACHOO" came from directly behind me. As a matter of fact, this sneeze was emitted directly into my just-out-of-the-shower-clean coif.

Too on the verge of vomitting to turn around and look at said repulsive human being with a look of utter disgust, I instead buried my face in my jacket as a distinct smell of airborne, sneezed-out mucus filled the air. You know the smell I'm talking about. When you sneeze into your hands and it smells oddly sweet(ish), but it's the distinct smell of diseased snot? Up tones (revisited)? Regardless, that repulsive smell permeated my breathing radius. I was too filled with nausea and repulsion to properly react by turning around and punching the diseased bastard seated behind me right in the fucking mouth.

I tell you this story, because this horrid son of a nutcracker infected me with a flu that left me alone on my couch on Thanksgiving, the greatest and most glutinous holiday of EVER, shivering with a fever and no appetite. TRAGEDY. And just for the record, I currently am continuing to snot all over the place. And sneeze constantly. WITH MY HAND OVER MY MOUTH SO I DON'T INFECT OTHERS.

And today, back in DC after Thanksgiving, I saw another dumb cunt sneezing ONTO HER CELL PHONE AS SHE TEXTED, emitting shit loads of germs into the air as she DID NOT COVER HER MOUTH.

The metro riding population looks a lot like this:



I'm at a loss for words. THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN AND COVER YOUR DIRTY, WHORISH, CUM-INFESTED MOUTH (here I'm addressing both genders, just a little fyi).

Thanks for listening.

DC Etiquette #6: Wear your ID badge at all times.

The typical schedule of an employee of the Maryland-DC-Virginia area:

1. Wake up
2. Remove ID badge from pillowcase.
3. Clip ID badge to shower curtain.
4. Shower.
5. Clip ID badge to towel to walk back to bedroom.
6. Clip ID badge onto underwear while I decide what to wear to work
7. Clip ID badge onto pants pocket or belt loop.
8. Proceed to metro.
9. Be sure that ID badge is on the outside of my jacket during walk to metro or to car.
10. Reposition ID badge so ID badge is visible over a jacket, if necessary.
11. If driving, consider putting ID badge in a visible place. Perhaps the dashboard, or maybe clip it onto my driver's window and let it flap in the wind as I drive. Just want everyone to imagine how high ranking I must be with my ID badge.
12. Fish for compliments while drawing attention to ID badge by talking about how chronically awful I look in ID badge pictures to coworkers.
13. MY ID BADGE MY ID BADGE MY ID BADGE.
14. Wear ID badge to Chipotle/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/Cosi/Subway/Panera on my lunchbreak. These are the places only important ID badge wearing folk go to loudly discuss pressing afternoon meetings to be attended and briefs to be written.
15. Spend my afternoon gazing at my name and picture on my ID badge instead of doing any real concrete work.
16. Return to car/metro. Continue to place ID badge in visible spot. Possibly get in a fender bender to block afternoon traffic when I get distracted by the sun glare coming off of my beautiful shiny ID badge.
17. Return home. Change for dinner with friends to discuss our vast knowledge of politics in a public area. Place ID badge on jeans.
18. Go to dinner.
19. Come home, brush teeth, put on pajamas, clip ID badge onto pajamas.
20. Clip ID badge onto pillowcase. Get excited to flaunt my awesomeness via my ID badge again tomorrow.

I mean, if even popular works of art are being caught wearing them at all times...


...people of DC, we clearly must therefore be onto something. Bravo.

DC Etiquette #5: Be a political conossieur.

As it IS our nation's capital, one would expect that there would be quite a bit of ongoing discussion of both national and international politics. Hey, fair enough, I get it. You work for the foreign service, or are a desk bitch for some international organization in DC and it's your job to talk about international politics. However, in DC, the international political discussion arena extends a bit farther than solely within the workplace. Here in DC, it is not only a job requirement to be able to discuss politics, but it's also a constant life requirement. And by it's a "constant life requirement", I mean it's pretty essential to look down on other people who aren't wholly immersed on a daily basis in "FP" (which you may call it if you're cool enough. To the rest of us, it's that magazine called "Foreign Policy" that we leave on the magazine rack at the dentist's office, as it's not our personal choice of masturbatory fodder).

This may be the most widespread douchebag phenomenon that exists in DC, in my extremely humble opinion.

While it's great to be up to date on current affairs as a citizen of the world, here it's on an entirely different level. If you are a DC citizen, you should in any situation strike up a conversation with anyone about politics. At a friend's baby shower? Good time to start a discussion about global overpopulation. Walking to the metro in the morning and passing a garbage truck with the trashmen frolicking about? Do they seem vaguely latino? You should probably strike up a conversation with them regarding their opinions on immigration laws, or the state of corruption among the police force in Mexico. I mean, who better to talk to about these issues than a native, right?? Extra point here, since that means you can probably show off your dazzling Spanish speaking skills. Just think how important passersby will think you are!!!!!

In any restaurant, bar, club, coffee shop, taxi, metro car, bus (etc, etc) you can overhear a shitload of inane, jacking-off-to-the-sound-of-their-own-voice, political discussing d-bags, eager to speak as loudly as humanly possible so everyone around them knows just how tuned into the political scene they are. And the more obscure the political fact, the better.

"I was stargazing on my balcony in Georgetown last night when I glimpsed a shooting star. It really reminded me of the flag of the Republic of the Marshall Islands. I know what that flag looks like off the top of my head because I'm sooo international."
(If you too would hear this and think "WHAT THE FUCK" see the flag here)
"Want to play a game to pass this metro ride? Let's see who can name all 27 members of the EU first!!!!!!!!"

Not only should you know any and every arcane fact about "the global arena," as it were, but it is IMPERATIVE to your DC citizenship that you attempt to make anyone who DOESN'T know that the president of Malta is George Abela seem like he/she was the very person who incited Hitler's hatred of the Jews.

The simple way of doing this:
Want to show your friends what a smart, pretentious, self-important twat you are? Finish any informative sentence with, "...but you already knew that, right?"
Examples:
"The whole Arab-Israeli conflict can be TOTALLY blamed on Henry McMahon's letters from October of 1915, but you already knew that, right?"
"Sarkozy's call for a 'two speed' Europe is really causing a stir. But you read The Economist of course, so you knew that, right?"
"The only girlfriend I've ever had is called Rosy Palm, but you knew that, right?"

Here's a minor point to ponder, self-important, 20 something "political experts" of DC: if anyone truly gave a damn about your political opinions, you'd be employed by CNN. No need to poison anyone's meal in a restaurant or wait time in the Panera line on a lunch break with your purposefully-loud-so-everyone-has-no-choice-but-to-listen-to-you political monologues. Juuuust something to think about.

PS - Every political fact and Economist reference ... I had to wikipedia (the world's most reliable data source, of course).

DC Etiquette #4: Drive like a blind Asian woman.

I believe Seth McFarlane had just visited DC when he crafted this little gem:



Having lived in DC on and off for nearly 6 years now and hearing all the horror stories of DC traffic, I've only recently become part of the clusterfuckery that is the DC driving population. Oddly enough, this has instantly coincided with an increased desire to kill myself, or somebody else. Emphasis on the "somebody else".

DC residents have a real unique knack for driving like complete and utter fucking morons. I mean, really, they even outdo the entire population of New Jersey as far as shitty drivers go. What I find most remarkable about the DC-Maryland-Virginia area is this: when you escape the death trap of the metro area for a weekend, go far north or far south, you can tell, without even looking at guide signs, when you're getting close to the metro area again. Here's how:

- First and foremost, what makes DC drivers so akin to Asian women: the complete lack of the use of a turn signal. You can be happily driving along on cruise control, only to slam on your brakes entering the Baltimore/Washington Parkway when some asinine motherfucker decides the only way to change lanes is by attempting to take off your front bumper as they fly into your lane without any type of forewarning.

- Next, you'll notice a bunch of fucking idiots driving up the right shoulder of the freeway. Is there a sign that says not to do so? Fuck that, DC metro drivers do what they want. I'm fairly certain the actual goal of all DC metro drivers is to get into an accident. Perhaps the train of thought here is they can eventually convert the entire world into driving electric Green Peace friendly bumper cars everywhere so accidents yield less fatalities and there's the added bonus of a smaller carbon footprint. Fuck if I know. I come from a land where everyone I know grew up wondering how the hell their mom or dad seemed to know everyone else on the road, due to a constant on-road wave to every other car. Around the time we all hit 16 (little slow on the uptake, honestly...) and started driving, we realized this was due to the "thank you wave."

-Which brings me to my next point. WHY IS THE THANK YOU WAVE FUCKING OBSOLETE AMIDST THIS MAYHEM??
-Quick obvious answer: 'cause DC is full of douchebags.


-Another sign you're back in DC? Try making a left hand turn at a traffic light. Does the asshat behind you start driving up on your left, like he/she is somehow going to manage to turn left before you are? Congrats, you've successfully navigated yourself into the Bermuda Triangle of Driving Clusterfuckery that is Maryland-DC-Virginia.

-Lastly, DC drivers enjoy completely ignoring signs and traffic light signals:
-Red lights? Nah, I think I'll just go ahead, thanks.
-No parking at any time? I'm sure it's fine if I wash my car on this narrow one way street in a no parking zone for 3 hours on a Monday morning between the hours of 6 and 9:30 AM, I'll just put my hazards on and stare indignantly if anyone trying to pass through glares at me.
- Stop signs?? Well those are only a suggestion, right?

All I'm saying is maybe we should try to be a little bit less of an area of supertwats so maybe we can drop down off of this list.

Weather permitting, that is. Seeing as when there's a downpour, a drizzle, a light dusting or even a forecast of snow, DC goes into a blind panic. Also, since even an intense sun glare seems to make us all frazzled, let's hope for just sliiiiightly cloudy conditions. Forever.