I believe Seth McFarlane had just visited DC when he crafted this little gem:
Having lived in DC on and off for nearly 6 years now and hearing all the horror stories of DC traffic, I've only recently become part of the clusterfuckery that is the DC driving population. Oddly enough, this has instantly coincided with an increased desire to kill myself, or somebody else. Emphasis on the "somebody else".
DC residents have a real unique knack for driving like complete and utter fucking morons. I mean, really, they even outdo the entire population of New Jersey as far as shitty drivers go. What I find most remarkable about the DC-Maryland-Virginia area is this: when you escape the death trap of the metro area for a weekend, go far north or far south, you can tell, without even looking at guide signs, when you're getting close to the metro area again. Here's how:
- First and foremost, what makes DC drivers so akin to Asian women: the complete lack of the use of a turn signal. You can be happily driving along on cruise control, only to slam on your brakes entering the Baltimore/Washington Parkway when some asinine motherfucker decides the only way to change lanes is by attempting to take off your front bumper as they fly into your lane without any type of forewarning.
- Next, you'll notice a bunch of fucking idiots driving up the right shoulder of the freeway. Is there a sign that says not to do so? Fuck that, DC metro drivers do what they want. I'm fairly certain the actual goal of all DC metro drivers is to get into an accident. Perhaps the train of thought here is they can eventually convert the entire world into driving electric Green Peace friendly bumper cars everywhere so accidents yield less fatalities and there's the added bonus of a smaller carbon footprint. Fuck if I know. I come from a land where everyone I know grew up wondering how the hell their mom or dad seemed to know everyone else on the road, due to a constant on-road wave to every other car. Around the time we all hit 16 (little slow on the uptake, honestly...) and started driving, we realized this was due to the "thank you wave."
-Which brings me to my next point. WHY IS THE THANK YOU WAVE FUCKING OBSOLETE AMIDST THIS MAYHEM??
-Quick obvious answer: 'cause DC is full of douchebags.
-Another sign you're back in DC? Try making a left hand turn at a traffic light. Does the asshat behind you start driving up on your left, like he/she is somehow going to manage to turn left before you are? Congrats, you've successfully navigated yourself into the Bermuda Triangle of Driving Clusterfuckery that is Maryland-DC-Virginia.
-Lastly, DC drivers enjoy completely ignoring signs and traffic light signals:
-Red lights? Nah, I think I'll just go ahead, thanks.
-No parking at any time? I'm sure it's fine if I wash my car on this narrow one way street in a no parking zone for 3 hours on a Monday morning between the hours of 6 and 9:30 AM, I'll just put my hazards on and stare indignantly if anyone trying to pass through glares at me.
- Stop signs?? Well those are only a suggestion, right?
All I'm saying is maybe we should try to be a little bit less of an area of supertwats so maybe we can drop down off of this list.
Weather permitting, that is. Seeing as when there's a downpour, a drizzle, a light dusting or even a forecast of snow, DC goes into a blind panic. Also, since even an intense sun glare seems to make us all frazzled, let's hope for just sliiiiightly cloudy conditions. Forever.
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