DC Etiquette #3: If you speak a foreign language (fluently or fallibly) it's important to let everyone know.

DC is a melting pot of a slew of internationals, and also a slew of some unimaginable douchebags. This is a fact.

In a part of the US where there are a ton of embassies and international organizations, you often overhear a myriad of foreign languages spoken all over the city and its surrounding areas. What I'm getting at is that in DC especially, speaking a foreign language is extremely beneficial in the job market.

However, only in DC is it beneficial to speak a foreign language in a group of all English speaking pals. As a matter of fact, it would seem that in DC, it is important to let as many people as humanly possible know that you speak a foreign language.

Here are a few tips on how to let everyone and their mother know you can speak a foreign language (note: These are all from my honest to god personal experiences meeting new people in DC)

1. Seize every opportunity to let someone know when you were studying your foreign language. Examples:

1a. Talk about WHERE you studied your language. For instance, "So this morning on the metro I was studying my Chinese, and there was a Chinese guy sitting next to me, and he like, looked at me, and laughed. Then I laughed. You wouldn't get it, it's a Chinese cultural thing." (also note: this is an exceptionally important line to drop, especially when you're a non-Asian speaking to another non-Asian.)

1b. Location, location, location. "There was a really long line at Subway on my lunch break. But I'd brought my CHINESE with me so I studied it in line."

2. Let some words "slip" in casual conversation. When someone hands you something, instead of saying "Thank you" try saying "Xie xie," to grab the attention of the person helping you. Remember, it's of the utmost importance that everyone else know you're better than they are because YOU study/speak a foreign language.

3. Claim you speak a language, even if you only know a few words. Listening to a speech from French President Sarkozy? Seen the Little Mermaid when you were little and retained a few words from the greatest part of the movie sung by the French chef? You know what I'm talking about, the "Les Poissons" song? Go on, nod along with his speech, you fluent putain.

4. Speak loudly in quiet places on your phone in your foreign language. Starbucks, the metro, a library, a restaurant. Disturbing other people in said quiet place? Doesn't matter, so long as EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS YOU SPEAK A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

5. I like numbered lists.

DC Etiquette #2: Demonstrate your athletic prowess by flying DOWN the metro escalator steps.

There is one simple word that goes through every metro commuter's head when trying to exit the metro station, only to see that the escalator is completely stopped: FUCK.



This thought comes with the knowledge that if you want to get to work, your only option is to huff and puff your way to the top. God help you if you're stuck at Rosslyn or Dupont. They should have metro staff standing at the halfway points with cups of gatorade if you're forced to haul up those mountains.

On other days, when the metro escalators are fully functional, you do of course have the option of scaling the steps with the assistance of the escalator's motion, or to simply enjoy the slow crawl to the top. Me? I'm a rider, not a walker. I immediately adhere myself to the right side of the escalator and watch others get more and more out of breath as they continue up the incline. My crowd favorites have grown to be those who begin the climb to the top on the walker's side, get halfway, and duck back into the rider's side of the escalator. I applaud your effort, metro passenger, but join me on the lazy side of the escalator. Nice try.


My anti-crowd favorites? The douchebags who think they're training for a fucking escalator step decline marathon. If you've ever ridden the metro, you've been whacked in the shoulder by one of these douchebags' messenger bags. Satchels. I don't care what you call it, or if Jack Bauer on 24 used to carry one, they're still gay. In the morning, you will no doubt find these decline running douchebags on the rider side of the inclining metro escalator. In the afternoon, they're back with a vengeance, looking to show off their athletic eliteness by flying down the metro steps, and with luck, slamming their homo bags into the shoulder of everyone choosing to ride down the steps instead of walk/run down them.

To this I say, PUMP THE FUCKING BREAKS. Where the hell are you running to, when trains come every 5 minutes in the evening commute hours? I'm not campaigning for everyone to ride down the escalator steps, or for everyone to walk at a snail's pace down them either. A normal pace, as in not break neck-football-player-doing-tire-drills-knock-old-people-down-the-steps-with-your-man-purse speed, will more than suffice.

DC Etiquette #1: It's a great idea to charge onto an elevator before letting its passengers off first.

I work on the top floor of my building. This scintillating introductory sentence to my personal experiences with DC Etiquette, as I'd like to call it, is relevant to my personal trying tale from an idle, rainy, Tuesday trip down to the ground floor, as I had a first hand experience with the assholery that is DC elevator riding etiquette.

Allow me to begin.

After waiting a solid 5 minutes for the elevator to finish its stops on every floor of the building on the way up to my floor (which, allow me to remind you, is quite a long time in elevator waiting land, as our elevators are a far cry from "zippy"), the familiar arrival ding sounded and the doors hobbled open at a speed every old man in Florida could out-walk, I noted a middle aged man standing smack dab in the middle of the elevator, seeming poised to exit. I waited a brief moment to allow him to exit, during which period he only stared at me with the look of the subject of one of Chris Hanen's To Catch a Predator episodes just prior to the arrival of the camera crew, through wire rimmed glasses poised on a face boasting a thick, perverted old man mustache.

"...Going down?" I thought it pertinent to ask, wasn't sure if I should run back to grab my rape whistle before stepping into the elevator with him, or if I should wait for him to finish his perving, then let him out of the elevator before charging onward.

"You're on the top floor." the observant, mustached sexual predator informed me.

I nodded, purposefully not engaging the mustached sexual predator in conversation so as to avoid any attempts at conversation on the slow, painful coast down to the ground floor. However, my anti-social, stare at the floor, stand in the back corner of the elevator, conversation evasion tactics failed me, as the mustached sexual predator turned his body totally toward me and tried to casually position himself against the spot of wall directly next to me. Arms folded, he leaned in so as to more significantly violate my personal space, and with quite the sneer spreading across his face, he said, disparagingly, "You're on the top floor."

I seized the opportunity to try to bring conversation to a total halt with a clever reply:

"Yes."

"Where else were you going to go but down?"

Damnit, that didn't work. Alright, mustached offender, game on.

And so I informed him that I was taught to wait a moment before entering an elevator so as to afford others the opportunity to exit before stomping on. We quickly cleared up that I was not unsure of the number of floors in my workplace, but rather that I was merely attempting to be polite. He immediately straightened up and moved to the opposite corner of the elevator car. And when the doors opened to relieve us of our awkward journey, the woman waiting for the elevator on the ground floor came charging on before we had a chance to exit.




DC AREA ELEVATOR RIDERS: surely, you are familiar with the way boarding the metro goes in the morning. You wait for other riders to exit before boarding the train. Not only is this a bit of a common courtesy, but IT MAKES SENSE. Apply this rule to riding elevators, everywhere. Pausing .2 seconds for people riding the elevator to get off the elevator before you come barreling into the elevator with the urgency of a Jewish woman trying to get to the front of the line of Black Friday sales, will not significantly delay your journey to your end destination.