DC Etiquette #2: Demonstrate your athletic prowess by flying DOWN the metro escalator steps.

There is one simple word that goes through every metro commuter's head when trying to exit the metro station, only to see that the escalator is completely stopped: FUCK.



This thought comes with the knowledge that if you want to get to work, your only option is to huff and puff your way to the top. God help you if you're stuck at Rosslyn or Dupont. They should have metro staff standing at the halfway points with cups of gatorade if you're forced to haul up those mountains.

On other days, when the metro escalators are fully functional, you do of course have the option of scaling the steps with the assistance of the escalator's motion, or to simply enjoy the slow crawl to the top. Me? I'm a rider, not a walker. I immediately adhere myself to the right side of the escalator and watch others get more and more out of breath as they continue up the incline. My crowd favorites have grown to be those who begin the climb to the top on the walker's side, get halfway, and duck back into the rider's side of the escalator. I applaud your effort, metro passenger, but join me on the lazy side of the escalator. Nice try.


My anti-crowd favorites? The douchebags who think they're training for a fucking escalator step decline marathon. If you've ever ridden the metro, you've been whacked in the shoulder by one of these douchebags' messenger bags. Satchels. I don't care what you call it, or if Jack Bauer on 24 used to carry one, they're still gay. In the morning, you will no doubt find these decline running douchebags on the rider side of the inclining metro escalator. In the afternoon, they're back with a vengeance, looking to show off their athletic eliteness by flying down the metro steps, and with luck, slamming their homo bags into the shoulder of everyone choosing to ride down the steps instead of walk/run down them.

To this I say, PUMP THE FUCKING BREAKS. Where the hell are you running to, when trains come every 5 minutes in the evening commute hours? I'm not campaigning for everyone to ride down the escalator steps, or for everyone to walk at a snail's pace down them either. A normal pace, as in not break neck-football-player-doing-tire-drills-knock-old-people-down-the-steps-with-your-man-purse speed, will more than suffice.