DC Etiquette #14: Be smart. Especially when you are not.

This may very well be one of the greatest rules of being a DC resident. Are you actually smart? Did you go to a prestigious school? Then I'm not concerned, because I'm sure you'll be sure everyone you meet knows it. Are you actually as challenged as Bristol Palin? Well you better make sure you talk over everyone who has a fucking clue what they're talking about. Allow me to elaborate.

At my "real job" (the one I never disclose to anyone because I prefer the shock value of announcing "waitress" as a permanent, degree-holding, career choice), I work with a lot of insanely smart and respectable people. However, I also work with an astounding number of individuals who think they're insanely smart, but in all reality are actually about as with it as my 90 year old grandmother with Alzheimer's who no longer forms sentences, but simply walks around using singing as her primary means of communication.

This all being said, one of the insanely smart members of my work force was trying to explain the concept of optogenetics to myself and two of my other coworkers (aside: it's seriously really fucking cool, if you care about it at all, check out the wikipedia article here) and how it could be applicable to different populations in the future. Here is how the Bristol Palin's level coworkers of mine responded to this:

Smart Coworker: So, what's happening is people who are suffering severely from anxiety could benefit from this by-
BP's Level Coworker: -Yes, right, people who are feeling sometimes very overwhelmed.
Smart Coworker: Um, right, yes, so these people could in fact receive the-
BP's Level Coworker: -Yes they could receive the treatment.
Smart Coworker: But the treatment would consist of-
BP's Level Coworker: -I just want everyone to hear my voice and know I'm actively participating in, and keeping up with the conversation.

Now, this concept does not need only apply in this type of setting. Just yesterday, at a salad bar in Georgetown, I overheard the following conversation, and this is verbatim what was heard:

DumbTwatWithBritishAccent: This stuff is SO good for you, Francine, just SO good.
Francine: ...Asparagus is?
DumbTwatWithBritishAccent: Yes, Francine, it's SO GOOD. It has negative calories, Francine, do you know what that means?
Francine: Well yes, it's when-
DumbTwatWithBritishAccent: -It means it takes more calories for you to digest it than it does to eat it, Francine. It's SO GOOD for you.
Francine: Yeah...

Standing behind this hot twatty mess, I was moved to say "YOU'RE THINKING OF THE RAW OR STEAMED FORMS, YOU DUMB FUCK!!", but that seemed both rude and inappropriate. Well, perhaps not inappropriate, but certainly rude. So I held my tongue. Regardless, this stupid whore was wolfing down pee-stinking asparagus by the pound, which was clearly soaked in butter and oil and who knows what, while preaching about negative calories. Granted, asparagus IS on the list of foods that are negatively caloric, but certainly not in this blatantly, butter-soaked capacity. REALLY?! If you're going to jump up on your soapbox, at least know what the fuck you're talking about. Or if you don't, know how to use your god damned smart phone to look up "negative calorie foods soaked in butter and salad bar shit". And this is coming from someone who is frequently outsmarted by her smart phone. Which is a Blackberry. And behind the times. Whatever. I still know that asparagus marinading in a pool of yellow liquid with oil bubbles floating around the top is not healthy. Not at all.

So, to recap: even though I felt like this bird could most appropriately describe how I wanted to address the Asparagus Asshole:

I instead glared at her with this expression, in adult form:

No, no, I jest. My 'WHAT THE FUCK?!" face is no where near this good. But I wish it was.