Here's a good question, normal people of America: do you remember your SAT score? If so, do you use it as a means to compare your intelligence level to that of your peers past the age of 18, when you were accepted to college? If you answered yes to these questions, you should start considering suicide as a viable life option.
My first week at Georgetown meeting new people, I always found that I was the "quiet" person in the group. Why is that, you ask? Because the topic of conversation was SAT scores. While my new "friends" were bragging about their scores in the 1500s, I sat there in stunned disbelief, trying to comprehend why anyone would give a flying fuck about this. I mean really, we're freshmen in college, shouldn't we be trying to find a fun way to drink underage til we puke violently in pulic? No. No, it seemed no one else felt that way. Aside from maybe my roommate. But we mostly spent freshman year of college watching this video:
(You're going to want to skip ahead to the part where the euromullet mustached hero sings. just a personal recommendation).
Now moving on, understand that a few (literally.) of the people I work with here in DC are really into the fact that I went to Georgetown. When I do stupid shit, like lose my pen when it's in my pocket, and call myself dum [sic], these people say things like, "You can't be stupid, you went to Georgetown." I, honestly reply to this with, "That doesn't really mean anything, my dad went to Georgetown for law school, I'm a legacy, acceptance was a fluke," or, "Ah, I was an athlete, I got in because I was a rower for 4 years (yes, I am that nauseatingly upper middle class white that I was a member of a crew team. I did it only because it's too white for minorities to want to partake. No, no, I jest. Kind of. Ok, no really that's why I did it.). Much to my chagrin, these deflective comments have only served to bring me back to one single question, time and time again, when the topic of me attending Georgetown comes up:
"Sooo, what were your SAT scores?"
Now, as anyone who took the SAT, I still selectively remember my highest combined (not separately low scores) score. Now, as anyone who took the SAT and was not a blowhard asshole does, I do not reveal this score openly. I personally think it's rude to ask this question, namely because the underlying reason for asking this question is so the interrogator may ascertain (suck on that SAT word. Thank you, Princeton Review) if he/she is better than I am. Therefore, I refuse to disclose this score. Of course I didn't get anywhere near a fucking 1600, but it JUST DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. We all took our SAT scores at 18. In a professional environment, we are all over the age of 22. The person persistently asking this question, our secretary, a 33 year old black man who I've nicknamed DUBL (which I pronounce "double", standing for Dumb, Useless, Black, and Lazy) who is a college grad, seems to think it's an extremely important question. I've been employed at my "real" job since September. He's brought up this question at least 4 times since my first day.
DUBL: So, what did you get on your SATs?
Me: I don't think it's appropriate to discuss test scores.
DUBL: Well, what do you have to get to get into Georgetown?
Me: I think that's stated on the admissions sections of the school's website.
DUBL: But what did YOU get?
Me: Seriously, you should really google that shit. Georgetown + mean SAT score.
DUBL: But like, were you above or below the average?
Me: God I'm busy. I'm just so, sooooo busy. I can't even speak right now I'm so busy.
WHAT KIND OF MEANINGLESS, ABYSMAL JUDGEMENT SYSTEM ARE YOU LIVING BY THAT AT 33 YOU STILL GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT SAT SCORES?! This useless shit, DUBL, takes AN ENTIRE HOUR for a bathroom break. I am not joking. SAT scores cannot save you from being that lazy and useless. If there were any sort of karma based Darwin system in play in the world, he would drown in the toilet in his hour long bathroom breaks. Here's a little comparison for you, DUBL: We both took the SAT. We both went to college. I do not take hour long bathroom breaks, and therefore I've managed to leg up into a different position than yours. It doesn't take an SAT score to discern who is doing better than who. And I don't mean that in the DC asshat way, I mean that in the I work harder and only go to the bathroom for 10 minutes max (depends on what I've had for lunch, you know?) way.
If I were to include an image here, it'd simply be a cartoon where a homeless man tries to one up a businessman by asserting that he did better on his SATs than the businessman, and the businessman curbstomps the homeless man Nazi-style. Alas this doesn't exist. So I am without. I'm sorry.
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