DC Etiquette #16: Use empty words, such as "NGO", "consulting", and "The Hill", to describe your life.

When I first made the mindless decision to move back to DC from the safe haven of my hometown (I was probably drunk when I made this decision. Like I am whenever I write these posts. Just being honest.), I had to do some extensive craigslist hunting to find my first place of residence in DC as a "professional" (I am essentially the antithesis of a professional, casual sidenote). I don't know how much anyone else has had to craigslist hunt the group home scene for some affordable, low income rent, but it's nothing short of a party.

One of the first group houses I "interviewed" to be a part of was in Columbia Heights (I know what you're thinking. Why would I ever want to be around THAT many HIV infected minorities? For $650 a month including utilities on a low income, you too may consider taking this risk.), living in a decent house with two other people. On the day of my "interview", as my potential future roommates referred to meeting each other, "Mario" and "Krissy" did a great job finding out a lot about me. And by that I mean they spoke exclusively about themselves for 30 minutes while my hand was anchored in their snack bowl (filled with Reese's Cups. Well fucking done, to be fair) before my allotted time to talk about myself so they could discern if they were in fact better than I was ended (I hope you could follow that run-on sentence).

During this time, "Mario" spoke briefly about his career as some sort of ambiguous government worker (I honestly was not listening.) before "Krissy" interrupted to tell me ALL about her NGO work (I've put their names in quotation marks only because I can't remember if those are their real names or if I'm making them up). She rattled on and on and on about some shit she did with breast cancer or starving minorities or who knows or cares what, but I can still hear her saying (and this was 2 years ago), "...what can I say? I'm just an NGO kid!"

Now I've noted that a lot of people in DC will respond to our favorite, "What do you do for a living?!?!" question with, "I work for an NGO." I have a few questions about this: Why don't you just name the organization you work for so I can try to guess what the fuck you're doing during your work day? What ARE you doing during your work day? Does that mean you retrieve coffee for the president of your NGO so you can try to act like you're working for a real cause? Does saying you work for an NGO really mean you're an unpaid intern having your life fully funded by your parents? I'M SO CONFUSED.

Moving on, there is no single profession in the world that confuses me as much as when people say they work in "consulting". I lived in a group house senior year of college (oh, afterthought, needless to say I got rejected after my interview in Columbia Heights with "The NGO Kid" and "Mario"), where two of my roommates (both people who are actually not raging DC douchebags, not even a little bit) went into consulting. They were both extremely nervous about their interviews, where it seemed to me that interviewers would all but shove bamboo shoots into their nail beds. I can get behind really wanting a job, but it was always hard for me to get behind this one, as I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT CONSULTANTS ACTUALLY DO. Here's what I understand: you seem to work long hours, get mind fucked (maybe?), make much more money than I do, and travel sometimes? Lots of question marks??? From what I understand there are many fields of consulting...and that's about...all I really...understand...yeaaaaaaah (I seem to not be able to stay away from writing my side comments in parenthesis in this post. Enjoy.). I'd sincerely love to elaborate on this section of my post, but I legitimately have no idea where to go from discussing consulting other than to say I have no idea what it means. It's an empty word to me, like "hope" and "dreams" and "happy endings". Is that too much personal info? Moving on.

The other favorite "cool" thing to say as a person working and living in DC: "I work on The Hill" or, "I live on The Hill". Now, whenever someone says "I work on The Hill", regardless of his or her gender, I just imagine (I know this isn't accurate, just calm down and keep reading) a soulless 20-something on their knees under the desk of a member of "The House" with the house member's genitalia in their mouths. When someone tells me they live, "on The Hill", I imagine a shit load of people sitting on blankets on the lawn in front of the Capitol Building. I've heard there are great running trails when you live "on The Hill". But why would you want to claim to live "on The Hill"? Wouldn't you rather sound hipster and cool and say you live near Eastern Market, bordering dangerously close to a part of DC heavily populated by dangerous, gun-holding black people?


(Residents of "The Hill": I imagine you sitting on the lawn pictured here. All day long. And taking bucket showers.)

Perhaps even after four years as a student here and two as working professional (HAH), I am still wrapping my head around the complex entity that is the DC Douchebag.